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spent 34 years terrified of two things. Omens and death. In the past 6 years I've stared at both in the face and while still frightening, I think I got a better grasp of their angle. Let's start with omens. For as long as I can remember, anything out of the ordinary was a bad sign of things to come. A flock of birds, specific songs, déjà vu, patterns. All of it was the universe telling me something bad was coming.
Growing up, my dad was like this with the number 13. He refused anything involving it. (I quickly found out that if I went to the store for him I could make a dollar by giving him $13 in change, prompting him to tell me to keep a buck.)
Although 13 never had the same effect on me I still steered clear of it when possible. You'll never catch my car radio on 13 or find me in the 13th seat on a plane. Before I had kids I hit a rough spot where these omens became a major source of stress.
I convinced myself something was wrong with me and that I was constantly being reminded of bad luck. The day my son Jack was to be born I noticed a praying mantis on my car but moved past it quickly. When we got to the hospital we were told my wife wasn't ready and we'd have to wait a few more days. In those few days I kept seeing praying mantises, which sent me into a spiral.
Obviously this was a sign that the father dies after reproducing. To confirm my fears I googled it. A positive omen representing patience. I immediately felt relieved. As a new dad I quickly learned how important patience is. Kids don't know anything and it's easy to fly off the handle, and I certainly do, but sometimes I remember the praying mantis and find a little more control.
Jack would eventually be diagnosed with ADHD and patience is key with him. I struggle with it but I think I'd struggle more without that omen to remind me.
After Jack was born I became very relaxed about omens. I no longer had the stress I had before. I think I understood that not everything is bad. It wasn't completely gone from my head but it was quieter.
Then came my middle daughter, Molly. During my wife's pregnancy I found a ladybug and helped it outside. A few days later I helped another one out the back door. Then it felt like daily I'd spot a ladybug at work, in the yard, at the store. Not plague levels, but there always seemed to be one nearby.
Obviously this called for a google search, but this time I didn't have the dread I had before. This time it was excitement. Ladybugs can represent good luck, fortune and prosperity. I'm by no means a wealthy person, but when times are tough Molly is a very cheerful and affectionate reminder of how fortunate and lucky I am to have the family I have. If not for that small symbol I think I'd take that for granted more than I do.
Finally, my youngest daughter Eloise. By this point I was excited for the omen. Positive it was coming. I spent 9 months waiting for something to show itself and for 8 of them I got nothing. I was convinced a unicorn would gently nuzzle me awake and quote lines from the Alchemist but I got nothing. I started thinking maybe I was just latching onto coincidence and this was the extreme other side of living in fear.
A few weeks before her birth I came around the corner heading home from work, no particular thought in my mind, no longer looking for signs. I made eye contact with a small fox sitting on the side of the road. Foxes aren't completely rare where I live but I've personally only seen one two or three times. I slowed down and watched it and it felt like it watched me back. After a minute or so it went into the woods. It didn't feel like I spotted a fox. It felt more like a fox said "fucking google me" and walked away. Intelligent, adaptable and playful tricksters.
When we found out we were having a third child I was in full panic mode. I couldn't understand how we'd manage three kids and the increased finances, and to be honest I still don't. But we adapted, and because of that I'm fortunate enough to have a very intelligent daughter who's incredibly playful and keeps you laughing. She also really enjoys messing with people.
After 3 kids and 3 omens I needed, I had a completely changed outlook on signs. I follow no religion. The extent of my research is some very light reading on how different cultures view these symbols. Whether the universe put them there to guide me or I've made random connections in my own mind, it doesn't matter, because it helped me. I gained tools I needed.
For 90 days I watched my dad slowly die from pancreatic cancer. It was hell. Would not recommend. 0/10 experience. About 80 days in the doctors told us he had days left, which was pretty obvious just from looking at him. Around the 11th of September we knew he was down to hours. Towards the end of the day on the 12th I realized the following day was the 13th.
The next morning, driving to the hospital, I knew it would be the last time I'd see him alive. I waited until the room was empty and held his hand. At no point previously could I tell him "it's ok to go" because I could not accept that this was it. By this point he was no longer able to talk or even really look at me. "You know how I feel about signs. If you can, send me one. I'm with you." He squeezed my hand. An hour or so later, on the 13th of September, he took his last breath.
I drove home numb. Terrified my whole life of death and I'd just watched it happen in real time. It was not beautiful or ugly. It was the power being disconnected on my dad and that was it. I turned the corner into my neighborhood when a raccoon very casually, very slowly walked into the road and stared at me until I had to stop.
A raccoon. My dad loved birds his whole life. We had multiple kinds growing up. I was sure an eagle would be waiting on my porch, ready to wink at me and fly around the yard all majestic and shit. But I gave the raccoon a shot and, like every time before, plugged it into google. Adaptability and resourcefulness.
My dad wasn't a bird, yet he was a raccoon who wanted to be a bird. He lived hard and was constantly adapting to his ever changing lifestyle of highs and lows, but he always made it work. I stand by it, it's a stupid animal, but it calmed me down.
Months passed after his death and I felt like I was handling it well. Sad but not overwhelmed. It took 3 or 4 months along with the usual stresses of life before it hit hard. Daily anxiety attacks. Losing focus constantly.
I fell hard and fast. One day driving home I couldn't stop spiraling after a particularly bad week. Forty minutes alone in traffic and my mind went to every worst case scenario, with every other thought being "and you can't even text him for advice." I stepped out of my car knowing I had to somehow pull it together for the kids, and walked right up to a robin sitting on my front step. It didn't move. It just looked back at me.
My breathing slowed. I stayed still so I wouldn't scare it. I watched the bird and it watched me. After a minute I thought maybe it was hurt, so I took a step closer and as I did it hopped onto the ledge, paused one last time, and flew away.
My dad had no tombstone. There wasn't money for it. That bothered me for a long time, but I realized that seeing a bird up close and unafraid of me would always remind me of him. So now I keep a bird feeder on the kitchen window. I don't believe my dad is coming back as a bird to visit me. But much like a tombstone reminds you of who you lost, watching the birds there is a quiet reminder of him.
I don't believe in an afterlife, but I like to think your energy has to go somewhere and maybe it just exists in nature, triggering these moments when you need them. It could also all be in my head and that's fine too, because it makes me a better parent and reminds me of a dad I miss every day.